Wishing That I Could Be Something Else

So, I don't intend to have a pity party but the last few days have been pretty rough. On the upside, I've learned two important things: 1. It is not a good idea to look at pictures of your friends and the people you admire having fun while you are in a funk. 2. If you ignore #1 and look at the pictures, it can eventually be inspiring.

We all know that, sometimes doing the right thing is painful and that feeling better doesn't come when we ask it to, but instead only when we are ready for it. In my waiting I thought, "Maybe if I go find out what my friends and my favorite band are doing, it will help me feel better." You know, spend some time checking back in with people who make me happy, albeit from afar. Wrong. It just made their lives look unrealistically good and my situation feel even worse. "Who are these incredible people I'm friends with?" "Why aren't I as cool as them?" "How come I can't play my guitar like that?" Then I started daydreaming. What would it be like to be any of these amazing people.

I pictured myself as an amazingly attractive, witty and unbelievably talented folk singer. I owned a home, with a porch and a large tree outside. I was in a stable relationship with a woman I was deeply in love with. I spent my time touring around the country with my band mates who were also my best friends and we always had an amazing time, even when it got hard. The icing on the cake? I finally owned a dog.

Then it was on to being some of my friends. I was exuberant and full of energy instead of feeling tired all the time. I went to parties and enjoyed myself instead of getting a headache and being frustrated that I couldn't hear any one. I did well in my classes and had fantastically interesting things to add to almost any conversation. I could remember everyone's name and had a large group of friends in addition to my close knit group of only a few.

I was feeling pretty down on life and like it would be better to be almost anything other myself. Then it occurred to me: "I can't be too awful if these people want to be my friend too." Not too long after, I realized the key parts of the first daydream are either already true, or are things I can change.

Ok, so I'm not going to own and home or a dog anytime soon and I'm still a long way off from being ready to find my someone. I will also never tour the country with friends but I have been blessed with better friends than I would ever have dared wish for and we do travel together. Sometimes it's only a short jump to the next town over; sometimes it's to other states and we have a ridiculously good time even when MapQuest lies and we get horribly lost. The rest? I love my body but I'm not very good to it. I don't sleep enough or exercise enough and I don't eat very well either. I can change all of those things and maybe if I do I will look more the way I want; maybe I won't, but I'll feel better for being better to myself. The guitar? All I need is more practice. I have books and tabs for my favorite songs. Half an hour a day for a few months and I'll be better, just wait.

Not bad for a hard 6 days. I suppose it's the same old cliche about finding the sliver linings and growing from pain. It's more than that though. It's the first real inklings of a beginning for me, of a tangible future beyond today and tomorrow and next week. This is me becoming the something else I have always been and I am truly blessed.

One Thing at a Time

This weekend is the much anticipated "Reading Period." The four days before exams, Friday though Monday, that the college allows its students to panic and prepare in any way they choose completely free of a set schedule. Reading Period is endowed with a mystical power, namely we all think it is longer than it actually is. From the end of term chaos four days of unscheduled study time looks like an eternity in which all things are possible. In Four days we expect to write 20 page term papers, read half the syllabus, and outline all four potential essay topic for an exam. But we also plan to have fun. "I can't go ice skating this weekend but how about during reading period?" "Sure! How's Saturday?"

Then we get to Saturday and Sunday and even Monday and the panic continues to rise. By Monday we will have accomplished most of what we set out to do but it will never seem like enough. We will enter exam rooms with sharpened pencils, calculators, possibly a page of notes if the professor was so kind, and far to little sleep.

Throughout all of this the tantalizing reward of nearly a month and a half of vacation looms large. As a senior I find myself in a strange place. I was recently convinced that, while I don't intend to enter graduate school next fall, I should apply now while my professors and deans are focused on me and my class and then differ admission if accepted. Because of this new plan to apply I am faced with decisions I hadn't planned on making for a least a year and probably more. Most importantly: Am I applying to seminary or an MFA program or both?

I have felt called to youth ministry for the United Church of Christ since I was in high school. Maybe it sounds crazy. I don't think it does. God calls all different people at all different times in life. For some reason I don't fully understand I was called very young and every time I have doubted the calling I have been reminded, sometime forcefully, that it is real and that it was meant for me and not delivered by mistake. At the same time I have been blessed with talents in technical theater. In college I have invested more than I thought possible in fleshing out my knowledge and honing my skills and talents.

I have always believed that since I have been so blessed in artistic skill and so strongly called to ministry the two must come together somehow. I am still waiting and searching for the answer and I may always be. But right now, I have to choose. MDiv or MFA? Can I afford two graduate degrees financially? What about emotionally? Do I really need to pursue both? Where do I apply assuming I can choose?

Since the UCC requires and MDiv for ordination I've settled on applying to seminary first. I've chosen to follow my high school dream and apply to the Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley, California. I feel wildly unprepared to answer all 8 of their essay questions in under 6 pages and even less ready to attend. How can I possibly be able to answer questions in a convincing and confident manner when they are questions I struggled with and can't answer for myself? How do I make my case for admissions when all I can say is "I have been called and I am answering in the best way I know how and I think your school is part of my journey." Beyond admission, how do I prepare for ministry when my life experience thus far is almost solely tied to academia?

The truth is I am beyond excited. The idea of being in an environment where I don't have to defend my faith to peers who think all Christians are what is wrong with America. Where I can maybe get a small break from trying to explain that one can be gay or lesbian or transgendered or not sure at all and be loved by God at the same time. Where I will be able to say the words "Jesus Christ" without someone thinking I'm cursing. I am more nervous than when I applied to college and I haven't even written my name on the first form yet. Did I mention that it's Reading Period?

Amid all of my new excitement, fear, anticipation, and relief, I now have the most compelling reason so far to do well on my exams. So what am I doing? Blogging. The idea is that by sharing my decision and excitement I will finally be able to focus and take this process one thing at a time. #1: finish the semester.

Ready...Set...

I should be doing my homework right now. 2 term papers, several chapters, and one music composition to be exact. Instead, I'm blogging for the first time. I'm not one to keep a journal. I try to be. I always feel much more balanced and grounded when I do and yet it never lasts. I always fall back on check-ins with friends, meetings with advisers, and snatches of prayer when I remember somewhere between lying down in the dark and falling asleep. Something about the act of verbal communication keeps me in check. But it doesn't keep me fulfilled the way a journal does. Perhaps this will do the trick.