Wishing That I Could Be Something Else

So, I don't intend to have a pity party but the last few days have been pretty rough. On the upside, I've learned two important things: 1. It is not a good idea to look at pictures of your friends and the people you admire having fun while you are in a funk. 2. If you ignore #1 and look at the pictures, it can eventually be inspiring.

We all know that, sometimes doing the right thing is painful and that feeling better doesn't come when we ask it to, but instead only when we are ready for it. In my waiting I thought, "Maybe if I go find out what my friends and my favorite band are doing, it will help me feel better." You know, spend some time checking back in with people who make me happy, albeit from afar. Wrong. It just made their lives look unrealistically good and my situation feel even worse. "Who are these incredible people I'm friends with?" "Why aren't I as cool as them?" "How come I can't play my guitar like that?" Then I started daydreaming. What would it be like to be any of these amazing people.

I pictured myself as an amazingly attractive, witty and unbelievably talented folk singer. I owned a home, with a porch and a large tree outside. I was in a stable relationship with a woman I was deeply in love with. I spent my time touring around the country with my band mates who were also my best friends and we always had an amazing time, even when it got hard. The icing on the cake? I finally owned a dog.

Then it was on to being some of my friends. I was exuberant and full of energy instead of feeling tired all the time. I went to parties and enjoyed myself instead of getting a headache and being frustrated that I couldn't hear any one. I did well in my classes and had fantastically interesting things to add to almost any conversation. I could remember everyone's name and had a large group of friends in addition to my close knit group of only a few.

I was feeling pretty down on life and like it would be better to be almost anything other myself. Then it occurred to me: "I can't be too awful if these people want to be my friend too." Not too long after, I realized the key parts of the first daydream are either already true, or are things I can change.

Ok, so I'm not going to own and home or a dog anytime soon and I'm still a long way off from being ready to find my someone. I will also never tour the country with friends but I have been blessed with better friends than I would ever have dared wish for and we do travel together. Sometimes it's only a short jump to the next town over; sometimes it's to other states and we have a ridiculously good time even when MapQuest lies and we get horribly lost. The rest? I love my body but I'm not very good to it. I don't sleep enough or exercise enough and I don't eat very well either. I can change all of those things and maybe if I do I will look more the way I want; maybe I won't, but I'll feel better for being better to myself. The guitar? All I need is more practice. I have books and tabs for my favorite songs. Half an hour a day for a few months and I'll be better, just wait.

Not bad for a hard 6 days. I suppose it's the same old cliche about finding the sliver linings and growing from pain. It's more than that though. It's the first real inklings of a beginning for me, of a tangible future beyond today and tomorrow and next week. This is me becoming the something else I have always been and I am truly blessed.