One Thing at a Time

This weekend is the much anticipated "Reading Period." The four days before exams, Friday though Monday, that the college allows its students to panic and prepare in any way they choose completely free of a set schedule. Reading Period is endowed with a mystical power, namely we all think it is longer than it actually is. From the end of term chaos four days of unscheduled study time looks like an eternity in which all things are possible. In Four days we expect to write 20 page term papers, read half the syllabus, and outline all four potential essay topic for an exam. But we also plan to have fun. "I can't go ice skating this weekend but how about during reading period?" "Sure! How's Saturday?"

Then we get to Saturday and Sunday and even Monday and the panic continues to rise. By Monday we will have accomplished most of what we set out to do but it will never seem like enough. We will enter exam rooms with sharpened pencils, calculators, possibly a page of notes if the professor was so kind, and far to little sleep.

Throughout all of this the tantalizing reward of nearly a month and a half of vacation looms large. As a senior I find myself in a strange place. I was recently convinced that, while I don't intend to enter graduate school next fall, I should apply now while my professors and deans are focused on me and my class and then differ admission if accepted. Because of this new plan to apply I am faced with decisions I hadn't planned on making for a least a year and probably more. Most importantly: Am I applying to seminary or an MFA program or both?

I have felt called to youth ministry for the United Church of Christ since I was in high school. Maybe it sounds crazy. I don't think it does. God calls all different people at all different times in life. For some reason I don't fully understand I was called very young and every time I have doubted the calling I have been reminded, sometime forcefully, that it is real and that it was meant for me and not delivered by mistake. At the same time I have been blessed with talents in technical theater. In college I have invested more than I thought possible in fleshing out my knowledge and honing my skills and talents.

I have always believed that since I have been so blessed in artistic skill and so strongly called to ministry the two must come together somehow. I am still waiting and searching for the answer and I may always be. But right now, I have to choose. MDiv or MFA? Can I afford two graduate degrees financially? What about emotionally? Do I really need to pursue both? Where do I apply assuming I can choose?

Since the UCC requires and MDiv for ordination I've settled on applying to seminary first. I've chosen to follow my high school dream and apply to the Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley, California. I feel wildly unprepared to answer all 8 of their essay questions in under 6 pages and even less ready to attend. How can I possibly be able to answer questions in a convincing and confident manner when they are questions I struggled with and can't answer for myself? How do I make my case for admissions when all I can say is "I have been called and I am answering in the best way I know how and I think your school is part of my journey." Beyond admission, how do I prepare for ministry when my life experience thus far is almost solely tied to academia?

The truth is I am beyond excited. The idea of being in an environment where I don't have to defend my faith to peers who think all Christians are what is wrong with America. Where I can maybe get a small break from trying to explain that one can be gay or lesbian or transgendered or not sure at all and be loved by God at the same time. Where I will be able to say the words "Jesus Christ" without someone thinking I'm cursing. I am more nervous than when I applied to college and I haven't even written my name on the first form yet. Did I mention that it's Reading Period?

Amid all of my new excitement, fear, anticipation, and relief, I now have the most compelling reason so far to do well on my exams. So what am I doing? Blogging. The idea is that by sharing my decision and excitement I will finally be able to focus and take this process one thing at a time. #1: finish the semester.